I try to be so strong, ya know. I mean everyone expects me to be. I don't say anything when I'm being berated, I don't usually do anything when I'm shoved or knocked down, not unless I'm in a really shity mood. I try to be the bigger person. But one thing I can't stand is when someone tells me that I am not allowed to be me. Who the hell do they think they are? I mean really? Normally, I would give that person a piece of my mind, but it wasn't just anybody. It was my parents. To be honest, I'm not surprised, but it hurts like hell nonetheless. I was on vacation last week, so Saturday to Saturday. We hadn't been on the road more than maybe three hours and we had stopped at a rest stop. While I was walking up to wash my hands the person next to me jumped. I looked over at her and smiled just to be nice, that is a good thing last time I checked, but she didn't smile back. Instead, she grabbed her kids hand and backed away from me. Now, oh yes, now I was annoyed. And apparently that was a bad thing because when my parents asked what was wrong and I explained it, they told me it was me. The way I dress. My black hair. Personally, there was nothing wrong with what I was wearing. In fact, it was a toned down version of what I would usually wear. I thought it was cute. Mike, my horrid stepfather, told me I was a grotesque looking and that it was no surprise. I got pissed and shoved my music in my ears. I seriously tried to hold down my emotions. We went out to dinner later, I think it was the next day, and you know what he said to me. He said, "You embarass me. I can't stand to go out in public with you." And I was sitting there like 'what the shit!' He literally reduced me to tears in a resturant! In a freakin' public area where everyone was staring at us. I told him I didn't want to be something I wasn't, I didn't want to be fake. "Be fake, be fake." that was his response. The man didn't let me leave the stupid vacation house without inspecting what I was wearing to make sure I was perfect!! I hate it!!! I mean what the fuck!! The best part is when my mother basically confessed that she lied to me. She made me believe that she was finally excepting me and letting me dress the way I want to. But I was stupid to believe that load of bullshit. No her real intentions (mind you she told me this herself) was to allow me to humiliate myself and be a laughing stock. She wanted me to "experience the real world" so long as I was in this "phase". FUCK! I'm screwed then aren't I? Let me tell you, all who read this, I am who I am and if you have a problem with it, shove it up your ass! If you don't then please come talk to me, I would love to hear from you "Freaks" as my parents call you. It's bullshit, frankly. So what, we wear dark clothing or skinny jeans. SO WHAT if we have piercing and tatoos out the wazoo. WHO GIVES A SHIT!!! What counts is what's on the inside. That's what makes us who we are. Our personalities and how we interact with our friends, not people in general, our friends. I don't act the same around people I don't know as a pose to my friends. Very different. I am so DAMN tired of being strong and holding my emotions inside me. I'm seriously about to blow a gasket. And you know what really sucks? That no one is here to help me. No one. Now if your sitting there thinking "Oh what a pity me party" go fuck yourself, please. I've had enough of people telling me that for one damn day! I am not pitying myself. I don't want your pity or anyone elses. What I want is someone to talk to and to help me. Not the other way around for once. I am tired of just being the "Simple Sally" advice girl. I may look scary but really I'm a nice person, I swear; just a little angry and disgruntled and confused and a whole fucking mess right now. You tell me how you feel when everyday you wake up you have to deal with those asine faces that sneer and judge. You tell me how you feel when everyday your told your not good enough for anyone, no guys is ever going to want you, and you'll end up a miserable, negative old hag with nowhere to live. You tell me how you feel when your "friends" suddenly stop wanting to hang out with you because you're able to finally be yourself, dress the way you want. Tell me how you feel when you supposed best friends starts jabbing you with daggers right through the heart because she suddenly became a uncaring, self-concerned bitch in front of your other friends and in front of one of their parents. I thought my life was getting better but frankly its not! I am about as lonely as one gets with no safe haven to run to and escape. I live in an area filled with preps who hate me for being me. Where my school is crawling with them and there's only a handful of unique and real people. I need someone I really do, but the way I see it, I'll never, ever get the chance because I am not good enough. I'm not pretty or attractive nor am I anything special. I'm a plain jain with nothing to offer. And every boy I've ever liked, well except for one, has looked right passed me. I'm invisible to them. But thats okay right? It's not like I have a choice, right? Heh, yeah...thats it.
Listening to: By Myself -Linkin Park